Have you ever?

Summer '07

...Just wished that time would stand still and stop flying by SO fast????

WARNING: Wordy post ahead, which is so not like me. I think maybe once a year or something.....?? 

   Tonight I can't sleep (what's new???) and just laid there thinking about my kids. And how time is flying by with them. 

So I get up and go turn on the light and "check" on them in their room. 

Of course they are fine, but I just wanted to look at them, and see them STILL (usually only occurs when they are asleep!!!) 

I am still constantly amazed they are part of me, that they are mine, but I mean really they're not, they are HIS, but mine for a time. Mine to love.  

My oldest is almost 9, and today I was thinking about how it seems like just yesterday she was a stubborn, strong-willed, defiant not even 2 year old! And how those days seemed to last FOREVER.....but now these days don't last long enough. They are flying by too fast.  The day after day of spanking her for the same thing. The tears we both shed. Wondering if I was doing the "right" thing. Should I keep at it? Would it be worth it?  Of course, there are things I wish I could go back and do differently, in hindsight. But then at the same time, I don't, because I've learned from them. I've grown in my relationship with Christ because of even my children's sinfulness. IF ONLY I knew then what I know now! But all in God's sovereign goodness HE gave her to me as my first, which if any of you are first-borns, you know what it means to be the guinea pig on things. I love seeing her desire the things of the Lord. Wanting to know ways she can do better at obeying, and it being HER idea. Wanting to completely make dinner for a family of 6....and not just pb&j either. I want time to STAND STILL. I want to cherish all these days. I want to be reminded of WHY I stuck at the discipline, the reproof, the sweat & tears of training her during those early years. The times I wanted to throw in the towel, but had a mom, a husband, a sister, a friend encouraging me to stick at it, and to PRAY, and to not give up or give in. No, it's not over with her of course, we have many years left to parent her. But there are days when I am just beyond amazed and blessed at God's goodness to me as a parent. It is only because of HIM. 

It's been more challenging lately with the boys. I feel as if I'm in those days of FOREVER again in training and discipline. It's repeating the same instruction, or the same discipline, and some days with the same child. Some days with each of them. I question many times if I'm doing it right. Is it working? Why stick at this? I'm tired. It's HARD. 

Tonight I asked my son a question after I had disciplined him and we were discussing why he should obey. I asked him if he even cared about obeying. He told me "well, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." I asked why he wouldn't sometimes. And he said because it just seems so hard and that it's "work". We then had a good talk about how sometimes the right thing IS hard, in fact, usually it is. Being obedient isn't easy, especially when it goes against the sin nature. But I told him that usually things are hard until you do them over and over and make it a habit. And it was like that struck a chord with him that if he really worked at obeying, it wouldn't be so hard. Hmm.....revolutionary possibly for this son!

But I was really speaking to myself too as we talked about it. I am convinced God has given me children not for me to teach them things, but for HIM to teach me! 

I have made so many mistakes as a mom, I have gotten angry one time too many, I have withheld correction when it needed to be addressed, and I have taken it upon myself rather than "taking it up with HIM."  But thank the Lord for HIS LOVE for us, for His disciplining us, and for His sovereign plan even in our mistakes. 

I read this quote today though by J.C. Ryle. "Train with this thought continually before your eyes. The soul of your child is the first thing to be considered. In every step that you take about them, in every plan and scheme and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, "How will this affect their souls?" Our ultimate goal in everything should be to point them to Christ."

Have I really been concerned for their souls as I am training them? As I talk to them, discipline them, or spend time with them am I really keeping that continually before my eyes? Anyway, it really just hit me as reminder to be doing that. 

I am going to be tired tomorrow. But lying here awake thinking about these things is almost worth being tired. 

God is good. I can rejoice in HIS goodness. 

I am ok with these days lasting FOREVER. 

And.....I'd be even more ok if the nights did too.